The Things People Say (Episode 4)
Posted on April 25, 2008
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In today’s episode, I discuss 3 tips on how to manage those often insensitive and unwelcome comments made by others. The relationship with your spouse might be challenged by your infertility journey, but you other relationships might prove difficult to navigate too. Comments made by family members are sometimes the most upsetting because you expect them to be completely compassionate, yet sometimes they are so caught up in their own sadness around your infertility they hurt, rather than help you, along your journey.
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TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE 4:
The Things People Say
No matter where you are in your infertility journey, people probably have said things to you that hurt or make you want to scream at them for their total lack of understanding and compassion about your situation. I’m sure you’ve heard one or more of the following:
You’re just not having sex enough.
Start the adoption process and you’ll get pregnant in no time.
Just relax you’re stressing out too much, you’ll get pregnant.
Go on vacation, once you’re in that kind of environment you’ll get pregnant.
Sometimes these comments are irritating, while others are intentionally hurtful. A friend of mine relayed the following statement made by his mother-in-law to his wife, Cathy: “Your marriage to Tim has been a waste since you are not able to have a child with him.” Truly the things people say when couples are in the midst of infertility can be insensitive, yet they might not even know it!
I remember one day when my mother-in-law and I were talking on the phone. I don’t recall the exact reason we were on the phone, but to no fault of hers the conversation turned from supporting me to my supporting her. She was talking about how she wanted a grandchild and even it meant she would have an adopted grandchild she would be okay with that. I was kind of taken aback the conversation turned from “I’m so sorry you’re struggling and that you’re not able to get pregnant” to “I want to be a grandma.” So what I realized during that conversation was that our infertility didn’t just impact me and Dave, it actually impacted our entire family. What I also realized is that people don’t think about the couple that is struggling, they think about themselves. And it’s just human nature, it’s not a right or wrong, it’s just the way that it is.
So how do you deal with these comments? Because when we are in the midst of infertility we have to recognize that these unwelcome and sometimes inappropriate comments will be made by friends, family and associates. We must also realize that people don’t always think first and speak second. I believe it is up to us to determine how we manage these comments internally as well as directly with their maker.
So how do you handle these unwelcomed comments? First, in order to maintain your sanity, you need to address the maker by letting them know their words upset you. This is easier said than done. I know that. Let’s take Cathy’s mother for example. Cathy could have said, “Mom, I love Tim very much and regardless of whether or not we have children we will happy together, isn’t that what’s really important?” Second, is to educate and inform. Whether you education them on infertility in general or your specific challenges is really up to you. The point here is to inform others about what you are going though to give them an opportunity to be more compassionate. They may or may not disappoint you. Finally, request the maker to keep future potentially harmful comments to themselves no matter how “helpful” they are trying to be.
We may not be able to deflect all of the comments that come our way. Relationships can be difficult to navigate during infertility, so it’s important to communicate openly and honestly with those you care about so that they can help, rather than hurt, you along your journey.
» Filed Under Personal Growth, Podcast, Relationships, communication
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2 Responses to “The Things People Say (Episode 4)”
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Kelly, I actually find this to me the most challenging part of our journey. I feel as if my skin was much thicker in the days prior to us trying to conceive. Sometimes I wonder if its ME that is taking comments the wrong way. That’s a much easier feeling to deal with than trying to address them directly, particularly when hurtful things come from the mouths of friends and family. But you are so right - if you don’t speak up and say, “hey, I am sure you didn’t mean to, but that last remark really stung and here’s why….” then most likely the “helpful” comments will continue and benefit no one. Thanks for this post.
I can honestly say that I didn’t stick up for myself much when we were going through infertility, but I do it a lot now. It’s not always easy to let people know they’ve said something hurtful.