Why Do I Think it’s Possible?
Posted on June 25, 2008
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The words flow from me and because they are so ridiculous, my husband doesn’t even respond. I say, “If I didn’t know better I’d think I was pregnant.” My stomach hurts, I have “slight” spotting, and sore breasts. What does all of this mean? That I’m still not quite better after a weekend with the stomach bug and that in a few days I’ll start my monthly cycle (spotting and soreness always arrive before the storm).
Why do I continue to think that it is possible to become pregnant naturally. Based on my husbands sperm results 5 years ago, there is no reason to believe anything has changed. Not only that, but according to all of the ‘experts’ his condition would only get worse with age so the older we get the less likely we’d become pregnant. So, why during some months do I get my hopes up that it “could” happen? It’s so unrealistic that I fell like an idiot for even thinking it. Yet, I cannot get my mind to stop dreaming, hoping.
It is times like these when my heart really goes out to those in the struggle of infertility. The mind never stops and the heart always hurts until you have a child in your arms. And even then, sometimes you feel so much as been taken away from you - the intimacy, the marital stress, the financial drain, etc.
Natural will be something I’ll never experience. I want the thoughts and hope to go away. How do I make them stop?
Creative Commons image courtesy of MrHayata.
» Filed Under Infertility
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2 Responses to “Why Do I Think it’s Possible?”
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Wow - definitely one of your best posts - at least it hits home with me! I can’t imagine ever not hoping i’m preg each month - even when I don’t think its possible (like my husband was out of town during the best time to have sex). . .even though our case wasn’t as severe as yours, I totally get it because our 2ndary infertility is definite more challenging. ..
I’m with you all the way in feeling that way each month, even when we are not in a medicated cycle. Of course we once conceived naturally so I guess it’s even more possible for us.
I hate that PMS so strongly resembles early pregnancy signs. Couldn’t there be a more definite difference so we wouldn’t have to make ourselves crazy each month!