The Things People Say
Posted on January 30, 2008
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A friend of mine, Tim (not his real name), was giving me tips and tricks about blogging (something I’m still trying to learn and get comfortable with). Tim and his wife, Sally, were diagnosed with male factor infertility. They tried IVF with ICSI and sadly it didn’t work. They were upset, but haven’t given up on their idea of becoming parents someday, maybe via adoption or additional fertility treatments.
Anyway, during our conversation he mentioned a comment his mother-in-law made to his wife. It bothered me to hear what Sally’s mother said to her own child, so much so that I decided to dedicate this blog to the topic. The mother-in-laws comment went something like this, “Your marriage to Tim has been a waste since you are not able to have a child with him.” The things people say when couples are in the midst of infertility can be appalling! It is not okay to say things like this to friends, children, or other relatives going through infertility. I cannot believe a mother would say this to a child as it was terribly hurtful to her daughter and to her son-in-law. I recognize that people do not always realize what they say can be upsetting, but I do think people should take caution when expressing their opinions and/or well-meant advice. My husband and I experienced the general inconsiderate comments during our journey. I’m sure you’ve heard these before:
- You’re just not having sex enough
- Have you consider adoption (I had and was okay with this comment, but I know many women who get very upset when this particular comment is made to them
- Start the adoption process, then you’ll relax about having a child and you’ll get pregnant. It happens all the time. Then you might end up with two kids
- Just relax and you’ll get pregnant
One day my mother-in-law and I were talking on the phone. I don’t recall the exact reason for our conversation, but to no fault of hers the topic turned from her supporting me to my supporting her. She said something like, “I was sitting here wondering if I’d ever become a grandmother. Then I realized I’d welcome an adopted grandchild into my life if it was the only means for me to become a grandma.” As I listened to her I realized two things: 1) our infertility didn’t just impact me and Dave, and 2) our families were thinking about how this affects them, not us. As much as I realized this was a sad experience for her too, I couldn’t help feeling that my emotions were insignificant. She had already had the gift of children.
Although, not having been a grandparent yet, I would expect the experience is extremely different when your child cannot have children versus you yourself not being able to have a child. As I look back at this conversation, I realize my mother-in-law was trying to connect with me and be helpful by letting us/me know that she was sad for us and that she was sad too. But I think that unless you have been through the journey of infertility, you cannot appreciate how difficult, stressful, sad, and disappointing it can be.
What kinds of things have people said to you?
» Filed Under Infertility
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2 Responses to “The Things People Say”
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I was recently at a Women’s club meeting. We have members that range in ages 25-95. One of the oldest members said out of the blue,”I cant wait until H gets pregnant, what is taking you so long?” So I pretty much just gave my little smile and said to myself, “she is old, she doesnt GET IT.” Then my mother in law chimed in and said, “Yeah, Im still waiting.” She doesnt know the WHOLE story about our infertility, but she knows that we are having some kind of issues.
We have been struggling with MF,PCOS,Endo,OHSS, etc for 4 long years now. I would love to have something snappy to say to people when they make a “supportive” comment.
My Dad didn’t understand the whole infertility thing either. He really didn’t get it when I told him we couldn’t get pregnant naturally.
It’s hard to determine what snappy thing to say in public, but in private I would suggest pulling your MIL aside and explaining to her the details of your infertility so that she won’t make comments in public that put you in an awkward spot.