The Male Perspective
Posted on November 11, 2008
When my husband and I were trying to have a baby I rarely consider how he felt about the monthly disappointment of not getting pregnant. Partially because he didn’t seen to be bothered by it. It was his opinion that it was just taking a little longer than most people, but that everything would be okay. That is his general attitude about life so I assumed he was okay.
Once we found out that we needed to consider IVF/ICSI in order to have a child his mindset changed. He still didn’t seem too upset that we would never be able to have a child via spontaneous conception (i.e., intercourse). In fact, he was of the opinion maybe he wasn’t meant to be a father. Again, he didn’t seem too upset that life had thrown him a curve. However, I wanted to be a mom and his “oh well” attitude didn’t sit well with me.
During our IVF cycle I could tell this laid-back guy was stressed out. He was nervous about the procedures, worried that we just threw a bunch of money at something that wasn’t guaranteed to work, and how all of this would impact our marriage. When we found out we were pregnant with twins, he was once again a little nervous about raising two kids at once.
But when I was admitted into the hospital for preterm labor, this guy who doesn’t get upset about much and approaches life with pure ease became overwhelmed. He wasn’t able to support me the way that I thought he should, but what I didn’t know at the time was that he was scared. He was scared for our unborn children, he was scared for me, and he was scared for himself.
I recently read an article about postpartum depression in men. At first I chuckled at the article, but by the time I got to the end I realized my husband had a lot more emotion about the entire process than I ever gave him credit for. For some men becoming a dad means they give up all of their freedoms. I know that was an issue for my husband. Once he found out he was infertile I think he started to imagine a life full of travel and toys free from anyone or anything holding him back.
The article stated that male postpartum depression is almost as common as womens postpartum. Again, I dismissed this until I started to think about how different women and men are. The postpartum might be very different for the sexes, but I have no doubt it is just as difficult for the men to process and admit as it is for women.
Do you know how your partner is doing?
» Filed Under Infertility, Relationships, pregnancy
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Very interesting post. I hadn’t really thought about it in that way before. I know that my dh’s response was very different from my own – or at least it seemed that way. He seemed to recover from our disappointments much quicker than I did. He never seemed to get as frustrated as I did with time passing by with failure after failure. When we were successful – he seemed to react with the same aplomb.
I didn’t really **see** how deeply this affected him, could affect him, until our 6th loss. This was my heterotopic pg – the one with intrauterine sacs and one in my right fallopian tube. We lost all of them one insane and bloody night that involved two Emergency Rooms and emergency surgery. Afterward I could see he was shaken – I could hear emotion in his voice when he would speak of it, even tears in his eyes. I was so surprised by this. I think our respective approaches have and will always be different – but that doesn’t mean we don’t both have old wounds.
I’m going to have to read up more on PPD in men now.