The Innocent Conversation
Posted on February 2, 2009
Recently my husband and I attend the 40th birthday party of one of his friends. We were expecting to see two other couples we know, but but one couple couldn’t make it because they are in the process of adopting a second child and the birth mother wanted to meet them that night. A few days later we had pictures of their new addition. The adoption was finalized! We are so happy for them.
The other couple is about to be married. There is a slight age difference between him and her. He’s waited for the right girl and it has taken him longer than we had all hoped, but she is perfect and worth the wait! They are excited about their upcoming wedding and their new lives together.
We didn’t know the other couples at the party, but manged to socialize with them and make some new friends. All of us had children, except for the soon-to-be-married couple. I felt sorry for Mary having to listen to a conversation about kids so I moved toward her and started to ask her about the wedding. Many times she was asked about kids (not by me). “How many kids do you want,” was one of the first questions. Now that I’ve been through infertility and have become sensitive to the feelings of those struggling to get pregnant so I’m much more aware of the baby conversations. It’s interesting that women with kids assume that all women want to have kids. Granted, Mary was very happy to share her ideas on the perfect family and glowed when she talked about being a mother.
What I realized in this innocent conversation, is that is exactly what it is. However, when we are in the middle of the infertility struggle, this innocent conversation can be unbearable. I remember that we told our friends and family we were ready to try to have a baby. One of my friends even sent me a “congratulations your pregnant” card after I told her we were trying. Yes, even though it gets into your sex life, this is common conversation. We are fascinated with babies and talking about pregnancy, parenting, etc. At first I would glow as I talked about our soon-to-be-pregnancy. Then after 6, 9, and 12 months I no longer wanted to discuss this topic. Yet, I had brought it up in the first place months prior. Did you do this too?
When you find yourself in one of these uncomfortable situations, what do you do? How can we change the conversation?
» Filed Under Infertility, Relationships, pregnancy
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4 Responses to “The Innocent Conversation”
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I too am very aware of the “baby” conversations. As my doctor told me once, we all take our fertility for granted. Most of us naturally assumed that having babies would happen without question. I remember how excited I was when we decided to “try.”
I often try and change the subject when talking about babies and children in a group b/c even though I am now a mother, I don’t feel comfortable only talking about motherhood. There is so much more to share with people. Also, I am very aware that there may be people in the group that are trying to have children and having a hard time. The last thing I want to do is bring more grief to someone already struggling.
I never want to ostracize a couple if they don’t have children. I don’t want to lose relationships because we are parents and they are not, whether it is by choice or not.
Well I never ask this question anymore. I am becoming more forthcoming about our fertility issues and figure if someone wants to talk about it with me they can. I have been known to take friends aside and mention that maybe they shouldn’t ask ‘the baby’ question, just in case. Just trying to do my part to make sure other IF sufferers don’t have to go through what I did. Not sure if it’s working or not!
I like what the previous posters have had to say. It’s so interesting the different perspective you take when facing IF. Usually, I would have never thought twice about these types of conversations. Now, if I am around one, I rather just excuse myself as to avoid inclusion. It’s not that I am not happy for others, and, I am more than happy to talk with friends about their pregnancies, etc. But, sometimes it can be too much and I just have to take a step back. I am not angry; although sometimes I do get jealous. I hate that aspect, but, I figure it’s natural.
I liked the previous comment:” I don’t want to lose relationships because we are parents and they are not, whether it is by choice or not.” Friendships can be lost, and, I hate that. I have a good friend that every time we talk, she is always going on and on about her child, etc. While I love her to pieces, there has GOT to be other things going on in her life, right? We never talk about things like we used to, and, it hurts. I avoid conversations with friends sometimes just because of this. I really don’t have anything to add to the conversation when it’s so heavily dominated towards children. Not having one myself, I’m not really sure how to respond or contribute.
Anyway, I’m rambling. Good post!
Allison -Does your friend who rambles on about her child know that you are struggling with infertility? Maybe there is a way you could let her know how badly you are hurting and that even though you adore her and her child, it makes you sad for what you don’t have. It’s not an easy conversation – and it could save the friendship.
Soralis – I love it that you are educating people on when it might not be appropriate to ask the “baby” question. Keep up the good work.