Re-post from GNMparents and Reviews
Posted on December 27, 2008
Below is a reprint of an article I wrote for GNMparents:
Last week I saw a disturbing post on Twitter. There was a link to an blog post about “the” Childless B*tch. I was so taken aback that my curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on the link to read the post. Although I’m not one who is easily offended, I was appalled at the tone of the blog toward women without children. What I still cannot figure out is whether or not the reference to the Childless B is intended to be a joke.
In the infertile community there is a lot of talk (via blogs) about how the mommy community cannot relate to their pain and doesn’t understand them. Not experiencing this first hand I didn’t really understand what all of the fuss was about. Almost all of my friends were totally sympathetic to the fact my husband and I were struggling with infertility. My best supporters were those friends who had kids, not those that were in the midst of infertility or the survivors.
I recognize and appreciate that not everyone agrees with fertility treatments. In fact, last week the Vatican issued their opposition of assisted reproductive technologies. I guarantee none of these old men have felt the sadness of not being blessed with a child. We tried the old fashioned way and it didn’t work. We’re not alone, about 7.3 million other people suffer as we did.
When you see a woman in the mall who is all decked out in heals with fancy clothes and a fancy purse, do you automatically assume she’s a child hater? What about the woman who looks longingly at your children? Or the one that seems to glare at you as you walk by with your kids in tow? Are these women Childless B’s?
One of the lessons infertility has taught me is not to judge. Often times I wonder if the glare I receive from a woman is jealousy. Is she looking at my twins wondering when she’ll have a child of her own? The woman in the fancy clothes may spend her money on herself because she doesn’t have any kids to spend it on. Sometimes this might be by choice, but often time it’s not by choice.
When I’m out in public places I try not to label women who are without kids as infertile because many of them may be out shopping or enjoying their day while the kids are at home or school. However, I wonder if those women that turn away or look longingly at my children are dealing with infertility. I’m sure they assume my twins are IVF twins. Yes, they are. If they were to stop me I’ll be happy to share my story with them and give them hope.
What I find interesting is that the infertile community is very supportive of each other. As is the mommy community. So why is it that these two communities collide? It reminds me of high school and it was silly back then too. A few friends of mine have created a blog to build the bridge between infertiles and moms, it’s called Bridges.
We all have our personal struggles. Do you think that someday we’ll be able to support each other as women and not worry about the haves and have-nots, without regard to what those haves and have-nots are?
…I received two interesting comments. One stating the blog that I saw the inconsiderate post was an unreliable source (however, I seen too many comments on infertility articles to totally dismiss that blog as an anomaly. The other is from a woman who is struggling with secondary infertility — it’s what made me decide to re-post this article on my own blog).
Also, three people who have never experienced infertilty recently reviewed my book. Read what they have to say: PB&Pickles Reviews
» Filed Under Infertility, Relationships
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4 Responses to “Re-post from GNMparents and Reviews”
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One thing my infertility struggles and losses taught me was compassion for others. I have gotten pretty good at recognizing that “look” in another woman’s eyes – mostly because I have seen that look reflected back in my mirror and felt the feelings that come with it. I am sure I could have been considered bitter and b****y at times. I read a post recently (sorry, can’t remember where just now) about how everyone is broken – maybe in different ways, but we are all broken or damaged and carry that around with us. Maybe not as obvious as a broken leg, but no less painful or significant. Would you kick a person with a broken leg? So, why kick another person whose “issues” may be something unseen but still painful and needing of care and compassion? It’s a good thing to keep in mind when dealing with other people – you never honestly know why a person is the way they are, much is assumptions and we know where that leads us sometimes . . .
Thanks for reposting this – I think it is a good reminder that applies to everyone.
Yes…I have to say that I agree with your statements. I have had my own issues with miscarriages and difficult pregnancies. For a long period I hated women who had children. I couldn’t stand to be around kids. Not because I hated them, but because I was deeply wounded at loosing my third pregnancy in the second trimester. So when I see women who give me the “Evil Eye” or look askew at my children, well I can’t say much…I know how many of them feel.
I’m glad that you have made good use of your blog to inform other’s and bring up such touch subject matters. I know how that is. My own blog I tend to use for personal venting and in doing so, I hope to offer out some useful information or inspiration of my own.
Thank you for the comment. I hope that your friend is doing better now that she has found another love.
Interesting post. You are right, the two worlds collide. I believe it is ignorance that causes this. Not the mean spirited kind of ignorance, but the pure ignorance of not living in each other’s shoes. Infertiles will never know what it’s like to be fertile. We will always be jealous of their simple ways of being able to have children.
I find it interesting that you label ppl who look lovingly at your twins as infertiles. It makes me wonder if my mere characteristics give my infertileness away.
Kelly,
This is a thought-provoking post!
It saddens me that there is sometimes friction between people who are infertile and people who are not.
It is very understandable that infertile people may at times feel jealousy of their fertile friends.
It is also a shame that some people are very insensitive to others (I recently read a blog post where a woman was asked in front of all her co-workers, “do you plan to have children in the future?”).
It is hurtful and intrusive to ask people their reproductive plans like this! Yet people do it all the time.
By the way, the woman who posted about this co-workers’ busybody questions had recently had miscarriages…
See her post about it here:
http://endobattle.blogspot.com/2009/01/endometriosis-facing-battle-head-on.html
I think there is a LOT of ignorance. Our society places such a premium on fertility that being infertile often damages people’s self-esteem, relationships, and quality of life.
People need to be better educated on the grim reality facing so many infertile couples. Many people just don’t have a clue of how painful infertility is!
Jeanne