No Longer Envious
Posted on September 29, 2008
When Dave and I were struggling with our infertility it was difficult at times to be happy for our friends who had it easy getting pregnant and becoming parents. At one point I even declined an invitation to a friends baby shower because I just couldn’t go. It would not have been right for me to attend and bring a cloud of sadness with me to her bright and cheerful occasion. I know that this hurt her feelings. I’ve since apologized, but at the time I was not in a good space and it was truly best that I wasn’t there.
Then after our twins were born premature we had dinner with friends who came to visit us in the NICU. At dinner they informed us they were pregnant, of which we were very happy for them. At that time, as happy as I was for my friend I was envious too. Getting pregnant was easy for them. Yet, we were spending our days and nights at the NICU because our IVF twins had been born too soon. It was too soon for me to really embrace the fact that we finally had children and it no longer mattered how easy it was for everyone around us to build their families.
My counselor had told me that once we had kids that I would no longer judge people by how easy it was for them to have a baby or that I would no longer care. She was right and wrong. While my girls were in the NICU, it still hurt. It hurt that we had to struggle. It hurt that after our struggle to get pregnant, we had to manage the NICU experience – which might be worse than infertility, I’m still weighing that one – and deal with the stresses of managing two babies at once, and premature twins for that matter.
As my counselor predicted, as my girls have aged, I have become less worried about how long or how easy it is for those around me to get pregnant. I am thankful for my children and have somewhat gotten over how hard it was to get here.
So last week I joined a friend for happy hour. We were having a nice conversation and then she said so quietly that I almost had to ask her to repeat herself. But when I saw the tears I knew what had happened. My friend had one miscarriage about six months ago. It took her some time to get back into the swing of life and I’ve been trying to support her as much as she’d allow. There was a time where she wasn’t too receptive to getting together so I waited until she was ready. The tears told me what I had almost missed her say, she had a second miscarriage. She saw the heartbeat and her body had started to display the signs of pregnancy.
I am no longer envious of my friend who could get pregnant so easily. In fact, my heart bleeds for her. I truly cannot imagine how devastated she is and how sad it must be to loose a baby once life starts to grow within you.
I’m doing some research for my friend to learn more about miscarriages, what causes them, how to prevent them, etc. If you have any advice, articles or sources of information that might be helpful, please leave a comment with a link or way to contact you. Thank you!
P.S. Have you entered my contest for a FREE Male Fertility Kit from East West Essentials? Please send an email to info@twinpeas.com to enter.
» Filed Under Infertility, contest, pregnancy
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For me I am not sure that it hurts to hear others are PG so easily anymore, but it still takes me back to those memories of the days were it was so hard to hear about those who had family’s so easily. I suppose it’s like when you smell something or hear an old song that takes you back to a moment in time that you remember so clearly?
I am so sorry about your friend. I can’t imagine what she is going through.
Take care and my thoughts are with your friend.