Her Shoes
Posted on January 28, 2009
I debated about writing a blog post about the octuplets as I know both the infertile and mommy communities are writing about their opinion on the matter. However, I cannot stay away from this issue.
The couple wants to remain anonymous, and who can blame them with the out pour of hate and total lack of understanding that is being directed their way. We do not know yet if infertility treatment were used, although its almost certain they were. It’s unlikely they utilized IVF because, in general, there is much more control on the number of embryos transferred during this procedure. IVF procedures do result in many twin pregnancies, but the high-order multiples are generally from less advanced procedures. It’s more difficult to monitor and control the number of follicles that fertilize with an artificial insemination (aka IUI) or the use of injectibles with or without an IUI.
Some of the mommy blogs that I’ve read are disgusted by the fact that this woman had a “litter” of babies. Yet, they have never had to walk in her shoes. They’ve never experienced the overwhelming disappointment when your period starts each and every month when you are trying to get pregnant. They’ve never felt all consuming sadness of not being able to get pregnant or hold a child in your arms. It’s unlikely they’ve had heated debates with their partner about how much money they should spend on fertility treatments to try to get pregnant. Or had the discussion about adoption where one spouse is open to the idea and the other doesn’t think they could love a child that isn’t their biological offspring. Or stick themselves in the stomach, the leg, or buttocks all in hopes that the hormones would produce enough eggs for them to undergo a fertility procedure. Or deal with the range of emotions caused by the medications necessary for fertility treatments.
Then, if a woman happens to become pregnant with multiples, having to decide if they want to do selective reduction. A friend of mine became pregnant when using injectibles with timed intercourse. Even though her doctor was monitoring the number of follicles she produced, she became pregnant with quadruplets. She considered selective reduction, but decided against it. She later said that the “weaker” baby was her son and the three stronger babies where her three daughters. She said that had they done the selective reduction she would have missed out on the joy of her baby boy. Until you have been in this type of situation, it is hard to say what you would do or what the right thing to do is. While, I generally agree with the idea of selective reduction, I cannot say that I would have opted to do so had I been in this predicament for the same reason my friend opted not to do it.
We are all guilty of judging our neighbors. We all have different beliefs about politics, religion, morals and ethics. While I can appreciate why many people don’t understand how a couple would put themselves in the situation of this couple, you have not had to walk in their footsteps. We don’t know how long they have tried to have a baby, nor do we know what efforts they took to get pregnant, nor can we realize the emotional struggles they had to endure with the decision to continue with the pregnancy when they knew there were at least seven babies (and surprise an eighth).
My heart goes out to this couple for all that they have been through and all of the stresses that they will know face. I wish them the best of luck. In addition, I hope that someday the mommy community (and others) can put aside their judgments of those of us who have struggled with infertility. For we all want the same thing, to have a baby and to be a good mom (and dad) to our children. Unfortunately, they are millions of couples who will never be blessed with the gift that comes so easily to most. Maybe take a second and try to put yourself in their shoes. Can you imagine your life without your children? Neither can they.
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10 Responses to “Her Shoes”
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Hi, Excellent post! The hatred really is unbelievable. It’s not like anyone *wants* this to happen. All those making the nasty comments have never been in that place, as you said… they have no idea.
Rachel
Great post! Yes, I’ve read some very nasty comments out there about this family. I cannot IMAGINE having to do the selective reduction. I am not sure that if someone told me I had 7 babies inside that I would have the heart to carry on with that many, but, I don’t know. Who knows WHAT you’d do until you are put in that position. That’s the chance we take with infertility treatments. I liked the Dr who said that she didn’t encourage her decision, but, she did respect it. I hope and pray that this family will all be healthy and happy and all go home soon!
Great post Kelly. I so agree – if you haven’t gone through infertility you have no right to sit on a high horse and judge. I don’t think I would be brave enough to attempt carrying 8 babies but everyone is different. No judgment here.
I commend you on your compassion and understanding boths sides here. Our world will be a better place when we do not judge. Whomever this family is has made a choice and now will deal with it the best they can.
Sure, if it were us, we may make different decisions, but we can agree to disagree and move on.
Joanie Reisfeld
Very insightful post and it’s a complex situation emotionally, ethically, and clinically and probably a bunch of stuff I haven’t thought of. I try not to judge anyone especially when it comes to intensely personal things such as growing a family. Plus, my philosophy is, unless they want me to change diapers or put the kid through college, it is None of My Business. I hope the children and parents are healthy and happy.
Thank you for your very nice comment about our son, it’s incredible how quickly the time flies.
Very well said. Thanks for stopping by my blog.
Well put. I’m glad you posted about this. Who knows what this couple has already struggled with and now they also have a very big challenge ahead of them.
[...] wrote a post on my Twin Peas blog about what it is like to suffer with infertility (which I’m not sure the woman with the [...]
The anger comes primarily from women, just like me, who HAVE experienced infertility. It is because I have had to make difficult, albeit RESPONSIBLE, decisions that I think I know a thing or two about the level of callous irresponsibility of this octuplet mom (incidentally, what Jon & Kate plus Eight have done is no morally different).
If you are morally against fetal reduction in a high order multiple pregnancy, then you have a MORAL obligation not to participate in an IUI and to only use IVF with a transfer of no more than 2 embryos so you all-but-guarantee anything more than a twin pregnancy.
Doing any differently is risking a high order multiple pregnancy and the lives and life-long health of all the offspring. How DARE any woman take the chance of catastrophic outcomes (death and severe health consequences) with a high order multiple pregnancy?!
BEFORE I learned of octuplet mom’s “colorful” life, I’d already very-much condemned her decision (and that of her RE) to risk this high order multiple pregnancy.
What kind of a good, responsible mother would ever take such a risk?!
Clarie,
I agree with you on that when undergoing infertility treatments there is a responsibility component. I wrote this blog post before I found out about her 6 other children and that it was an IVF with 6 embryos transferred. Truly, I’m now appalled with her actions too.
Kelly