Guilt and Gratitude: An interesting combination
Posted on February 6, 2008
Kaley is a sweet three year old girl. Her inner beauty radiates her whole being and there is something about her that calms every inch of my body when I hold her close. To look at her, she’s a normal little girl with brown curly hair and an adorable smile. Unlike most girls her age, Kaley has a scar on her stomach that runs from side to side.
The scar on Kaley’s belly is my fault. And even though that comment is not entirely true, I blame myself for the scar she bares nonetheless. Kaley and her twin sister, Ashley, were born very premature, at only 30 weeks gestation (or 10 weeks too soon). Both of them weighted just over 2 ½ pounds each. Although small and fragile, Ashley did not have any medical complications due to her prematurity. Kaley was not so lucky. Kaley had a preemie disease called Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC). NEC is a disease of the intestine and usually presents itself within the second to third week after the birth of a premature baby. About 30 percent of babies diagnosed with NEC die. Many others who do survive are feed via feeding tubes or may have a permanent colostomy. Basically, once your baby is diagnosed with NEC you’re in for an emotional rollercoaster.
For three weeks and five days, my husband and I watched our little girl struggle to stay alive. There were times I wasn’t sure if she was going to get better. I had to fight the idea that she might die and force myself to remain optimistic. One of her neonatologists mentioned that NEC is more common in twins than singletons (a single baby pregnancy). Then, she drove a dagger in my heart when she told me that is seems to be more prevalent in twins conceived via IVF than natural twins.
During our fertility treatments, I never even considered that the medical technologies that could create a baby for us could also cause horrible consequences. About 3 percent of all pregnancies are twins or multiple births. The increase in twin (or multiple births) is from two main factors: 1) women over the age of 30 are more likely to become pregnant with natural twins than are younger women and 2) infertility treatments. According the this March of Dimes website, about two-thirds of the increase in twins/multiples is caused by assisted reproductive techniques (ART), such as IVF.
I don’t regret my decision to create life by unnatural means as I have been blessed with two wonderful girls. However, every time I look at Kaley’s belly I feel a pang of guilt as I know it was my drive to become a mom that left a scar on her body and in my heart.
» Filed Under Infertility, Premature Births
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