At the time I was in counseling, mainly to help recover from our infertility and the premature birth of our twins. My counselor had a saying, “Fake it until you make it.” I used to laugh whenever she gave me this advice, which was often. It seemed impossible to fake it and highly unlikely that I was ever going to “make it.” But I did.

The decision (and choice) to make an effort get along with my in-laws made a huge difference in my marriage. When I quit arguing with him about his parents we didn’t have much else to fight about. We started getting along better and having fun once again. It helped him in his relationship with his parents too.

An important point to remember about loving someone or hating them is that it is a choice. We choose every day whether or not we will make an effort to love. It is a lot less work to love someone than it is to hate them. Consider that when we hate someone we actually hurt ourselves too with the negativity that consumes us. When we love others – or at least respect and have tolerance – our heart is full of positive emotion, which is much easier and healthier.

Today, we are all taking a moment to focus on how love is much more powerful and effective than hate. Choose your words wisely and respectfully. Our beliefs and ideology may differ, but we can always agree to disagree politely.

To participate in the next Love Beats Hate event, learn more at the Love Beats Hate Facebook page

You can Like the Love Beats Hate Facebook page at: http://www.facebook.com/lovebeatshate. You can post a link to your blog on the Facebook page. Enjoy a day dedicated to politeness.

My husband and I are blessed with twins thanks to IVF, but I know a few people who did not have success with their fertility treatments. Some of those couples have decided to live childfree. A few others are in the process of navigating adoption (NOTE: this is not to say adoption is always a second choice as a friend of mine adopted and never even considered fertility treatments).

A great article was written about two couples who were left with empty arms after their IVF cycle(s), Failed IVF. Both of these couples agree that at least trying IVF was worth piece of mind, even though it was extremely heart breaking. They are so brave for sharing their story. Read it here: Failed IVF.

The videos are worth sharing with friends and family who might not be familiar with infertility, treatments and the emotion that comes with the inability to conceive a child spontaneously.

Happy viewing.

Infertility is one of the most challenging issues a couple must endure. There are many other issues that come from every day life. When you actually become a parent the challenges do not stop. Sometimes couples do not know what to do to help their relationship. My husband and I use counseling as one means to help us during our darkest times. I attended counseling sessions on my own and worked on creating my own happiness which spilled over into my marriage.

A friend of mine provided me with a valuable resource that might be helpful to couples struggling in their relationship. If you are serious about making your relationship better, check out Retrouvaille. I wish I had know about this service when we were struggling with infertility. It would have saved us many months of struggle! Pass this resource on to others you think might find it helpful.

While answering the questionnaire for the trust I made sure to include language that would allow my children access to funds for family planning. The document states that the Trustee can distribute money to the beneficiaries for the “well-being of the Beneficiary, including…adoptions and/or infertility treatments.” While it may seem silly to someone who hasn’t experience the expense of fertility treatments I wanted to make sure my daughters have every opportunity to build their own families if by chance they are unable to conceive spontaneously. While I am not sure the specific language was necessary, I feel better to have included it.

Just another way infertility has impacted my life and how I hope to help my daughters if it should happen to them too…

But most of all, I witnessed this miracle when my daughter Copy Cat was sick after she was first born. I credit the great care of the doctors and nurses for her survival, but I know that the time she spent in my arms played a huge part too. Studies show that when a baby is held skin-to-skin, called Kangaroo Care, by one of its parents his/her heartbeat stabilizes as does his/her body temperature.

Whether it is your baby, spouse, mother, father, friend, family member, etc. a simple gesture, such as a hug can do wonders. Give it a try today.

When my husband and I were in the midst of our infertility journey we were not communicating. We might have been speaking to each other, but we failed to communicate properly. We’ve worked on this and are doing much better on something that should really be very simple. But it’s not, especially when you’re dealing with medical issues.

What words are you using to communicate with your spouse about your feelings? What are you telling your doctor? Is she/he listening to your wishes and your concerns? Are you being heard?

Recently my husband’s blood work reveled that his liver enzymes were elevated. He called his doctor to ask him what the results meant. The doctor never called back. He called the doctor again. A few days later the doctor called back and agreed to pursue additional testing to diagnose the problem. Again, my husband received his results (via message service). He called the doctor since his levels were still elevated. Again, the doctor didn’t call him back. My husband’s questions were not being answered. He switched doctors.

My husband now feels like this new doctor is listening. He has a level of respect for this new doctor that he didn’t have with the other one. This respect allows my husband to accept the advice his doctor provides. The idea of respect does allow communicate to happen more effectively. I know that when I think someone is listening to what I’m saying I tend to be more attentive to them.

We must speak up for our needs and wants. I’ve become much better at this after my infertility experience. I’m more likely to speak up for what I want and what I believe in. In the short term, this can be challenging or create conflict in your relationships, but the long-term rewards are awesome!

What are you speaking about?

Another aspect of being pregnant after infertility are your friendships. Do your fertile friends know about your fertility treatments? Do your infertile friends know you are pregnant? What about single friends, friends who are childless by choice and those not by choice? How will your relationships with all of these people in your life change? Because they all will. No matter how hard you try to stay connected with your infertile friends to support them, your pregnancy might be a constant reminder of what they don’t have.Your friends without kids, well, they might not want to be around your kids or listen to your stories either.

We all want to think our friendship will be the same no matter what life events we experience. But sometimes things change even when we least expect them to. Here are some examples of how my friendships changed:

1. Billy and Sue were fairly good friends who we would hang out with regularly.  Billy and Sue are a few years older than us and are childless by choice. When Billy and Sue found out we were “infertile” they didn’t offer a ton of support, but would listen to our woes. Billy encouraged my husband to consider a life free of children. However, he was also my husbands support system when I was hospitalized for bed rest. Billy and Sue seemed genuinely happy for us when our twins arrived. They visited us right after their birth and continued to pursue a friendship with us. However, once our kids were walking and talking Billy and Sue became very distant. We are not the only friends they did this too. Another couple also had a child and shortly thereafter Billy and Sue stopped associating with them as well. It’s sad and we miss them.

2. Kristin and Kathy are good friends of mine. During my infertility Kristin was the shoulder that I cried on when I wasn’t crying in counseling. She was amazingly helpful. Kathy was also supportive during my infertility and more so during my pregnancy. For the first two years after K&A arrived we did a lot together. Now getting together seems to be more like pulling teeth. Their lives are busy since they have kids too, and one of them remarried. We pledge to get together, but it never happens. We are all to blame.

How did your friendships change with infertility? With a pregnancy, whether it was yours or theirs? Is there anything we can do about this phenomenon?

The other couple is about to be married. There is a slight age difference between him and her. He’s waited for the right girl and it has taken him longer than we had all hoped, but she is perfect and worth the wait! They are excited about their upcoming wedding and their new lives together.

We didn’t know the other couples at the party, but manged to socialize with them and make some new friends. All of us had children, except for the soon-to-be-married couple. I felt sorry for Mary having to listen to a conversation about kids so I moved toward her and started to ask her about the wedding. Many times she was asked about kids (not by me). “How many kids do you want,” was one of the first questions. Now that I’ve been through infertility and have become sensitive to the feelings of those struggling to get pregnant so I’m much more aware of the baby conversations. It’s interesting that women with kids assume that all women want to have kids. Granted, Mary was very happy to share her ideas on the perfect family and glowed when she talked about being a mother.

What I realized in this innocent conversation, is that is exactly what it is. However, when we are in the middle of the infertility struggle, this innocent conversation can be unbearable. I remember that we told our friends and family we were ready to try to have a baby. One of my friends even sent me a “congratulations your pregnant” card after I told her we were trying. Yes, even though it gets into your sex life, this is common conversation. We are fascinated with babies and talking about pregnancy, parenting, etc. At first I would glow as I talked about our soon-to-be-pregnancy. Then after 6, 9, and 12 months I no longer wanted to discuss this topic. Yet, I had brought it up in the first place months prior. Did you do this too?

When you find yourself in one of these uncomfortable situations, what do you do? How can we change the conversation?

These are tough questions when you are in the midst of infertility. How can you life a happy life when you are so sad you cannot get pregnant? It’s an uphill battle, no doubt. However, it can be done. Want to know more? Listen to what Jerilynne (aka MamaRed) has to say!

Contact MamaRed at jl@mamaredspeaks [dot] com. Visit her website at MamaRedSpeaks or read more about her efforts at One Million Moments of Kindness Blog.

A resource Jerilynne wanted me to share with you is ChildlessNotByChoice.com which is a forum for support and sharing.

Creative Commons image courtesy of churl.

Last week I saw a disturbing post on Twitter. There was a link to an blog post about “the” Childless B*tch. I was so taken aback that my curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on the link to read the post. Although I’m not one who is easily offended, I was appalled at the tone of the blog toward women without children. What I still cannot figure out is whether or not the reference to the Childless B is intended to be a joke.

In the infertile community there is a lot of talk (via blogs) about how the mommy community cannot relate to their pain and doesn’t understand them. Not experiencing this first hand I didn’t really understand what all of the fuss was about. Almost all of my friends were totally sympathetic to the fact my husband and I were struggling with infertility. My best supporters were those friends who had kids, not those that were in the midst of infertility or the survivors.

I recognize and appreciate that not everyone agrees with fertility treatments. In fact, last week the Vatican issued their opposition of assisted reproductive technologies. I guarantee none of these old men have felt the sadness of not being blessed with a child. We tried the old fashioned way and it didn’t work. We’re not alone, about 7.3 million other people suffer as we did.

When you see a woman in the mall who is all decked out in heals with fancy clothes and a fancy purse, do you automatically assume she’s a child hater? What about the woman who looks longingly at your children? Or the one that seems to glare at you as you walk by with your kids in tow? Are these women Childless B’s?

One of the lessons infertility has taught me is not to judge. Often times I wonder if the glare I receive from a woman is jealousy. Is she looking at my twins wondering when she’ll have a child of her own? The woman in the fancy clothes may spend her money on herself because she doesn’t have any kids to spend it on. Sometimes this might be by choice, but often time it’s not by choice.

When I’m out in public places I try not to label women who are without kids as infertile because many of them may be out shopping or enjoying their day while the kids are at home or school. However, I wonder if those women that turn away or look longingly at my children are dealing with infertility. I’m sure they assume my twins are IVF twins. Yes, they are. If they were to stop me I’ll be happy to share my story with them and give them hope.

What I find interesting is that the infertile community is very supportive of each other. As is the mommy community. So why is it that these two communities collide? It reminds me of high school and it was silly back then too. A few friends of mine have created a blog to build the bridge between infertiles and moms, it’s called Bridges.

We all have our personal struggles. Do you think that someday we’ll be able to support each other as women and not worry about the haves and have-nots, without regard to what those haves and have-nots are?

…I received two interesting comments. One stating the blog that I saw the inconsiderate post was an unreliable source (however, I seen too many comments on infertility articles to totally dismiss that blog as an anomaly. The other is from a woman who is struggling with secondary infertility — it’s what made me decide to re-post this article on my own blog).

Also, three people who have never experienced infertilty recently reviewed my book. Read what they have to say: PB&Pickles Reviews

Front Street Reviews and

Blogger News Network

It’s that time of year when everyone is full of holiday cheer – or at least that is the hope. However, holidays can be very stressful. It’s the time when family members get together, some for the first time since the last holiday season. The holidays are extra stressful because people say or do things that can hurt our feelings, unbeknown to them, because we don’t keep our family and friends updated on what is going on in our lives.

This week I received an email from one of my husband’s friend’s wife. She told me that she had no idea all that we had been through with infertility. She said she thought something was up because we were pregnant with twins. Then she had no idea about all of the stress we experienced with their early birth. Keep in mind, this email is coming to me 4 years later.

Our family and friends should be our support system. I didn’t do a good job of utilizing my family during our infertility, but I recognize now that had I done so it would have been so much easier for Dave and me. Hopefully you can avoid some of my mistakes and look at this time of year as an opportunity to let your family into your world. Even if they don’t “get it” or they don’t know how to offer you support, you’ve done your part to keep them involved.

For more tips on how to enjoy the holiday season, read this 8 page compilation of stories from RESOLVE.

Creative Commons image courtesy of Size8Jeans.

As the holiday season approaches, I wish everyone a joyful holiday season. It’s a perfect time to reconnect with old friends, make new ones and bond with family members. It’s also a great time to tell people what is going on in your life so they can offer their love and support to help you through your rough patches.

Taking a different spin on Alisa’s article, what are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Once we found out that we needed to consider IVF/ICSI in order to have a child his mindset changed. He still didn’t seem too upset that we would never be able to have a child via spontaneous conception (i.e., intercourse). In fact, he was of the opinion maybe he wasn’t meant to be a father. Again, he didn’t seem too upset that life had thrown him a curve. However, I wanted to be a mom and his “oh well” attitude didn’t sit well with me.

During our IVF cycle I could tell this laid-back guy was stressed out. He was nervous about the procedures, worried that we just threw a bunch of money at something that wasn’t guaranteed to work, and how all of this would impact our marriage. When we found out we were pregnant with twins, he was once again a little nervous about raising two kids at once.

But when I was admitted into the hospital for preterm labor, this guy who doesn’t get upset about much and approaches life with pure ease became overwhelmed. He wasn’t able to support me the way that I thought he should, but what I didn’t know at the time was that he was scared. He was scared for our unborn children, he was scared for me, and he was scared for himself.

I recently read an article about postpartum depression in men. At first I chuckled at the article, but by the time I got to the end I realized my husband had a lot more emotion about the entire process than I ever gave him credit for. For some men becoming a dad means they give up all of their freedoms. I know that was an issue for my husband. Once he found out he was infertile I think he started to imagine a life full of travel and toys free from anyone or anything holding him back.

The article stated that male postpartum depression is almost as common as womens postpartum. Again, I dismissed this until I started to think about how different women and men are. The postpartum might be very different for the sexes, but I have no doubt it is just as difficult for the men to process and admit as it is for women.

Do you know how your partner is doing?

At this time too, my marriage was falling apart. My husband was less than supportive of my needs and continually put the feelings and needs of his family in front of mine. Even though I felt betrayed at times, I needed my husband. I would call him multiple times per day and give him the latest updates on our girls. It wasn’t appropriate for me to dump all of this bad news on my friends. It was hard to call my mom because I’d start to cry the minute she answered the phone.

In the middle of the month our ill daughter had surgery to remove part of her large intestine. Without the surgery she would have died. Watching a 5 week old, 4 lb baby being wheeled away to surgery was one of the most emotional experiences I’ve ever had. I paced and worried the whole time she was in surgery, but she returned and we were looking forward to her recovery. However, her first 3 days after surgery were the worst 3 days of her life (except for the day she first became ill when they gave her pain meds and she stopped breathing before the doctors had the vent attached…). She wasn’t getting better and I was devastated. But by the 4th day she started to show improvement and two weeks after surgery she came home with us.

The day we brought our twins home was Thanksgiving. It should have been a joyous occasion, but it wasn’t. Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, miscommunications, and much more turned this holiday into a horrid day that ended up lasting for months.

Many times people get so caught up in their hurt feelings or opinions and forget what is going on with others. In our instance, no one was giving us (especially me) credit for all of the stress of infertility and then premature babies. They were focused only on what I did, and not the circumstances or events that took place prior to my actions (long story…). When it should have been about my daughters it was about them.

As the holiday season approaches remember that everyone is doing the best they can with the knowledge available to them. We could have avoided many of the mishaps of our Thanksgiving disaster if we had communicated better with my husband’s family. Also, we (especially me) should have established some rules – as horrible as that sounds it would have saved a lot of heartache and arguments – a safe space and safe topics.

Four years later I approach the upcoming holiday with apprehension, but also with an open mind. My relationship with the in-laws is better and we are able to enjoy family gatherings. Create a space that works for you – it’s amazing how this one small change spurred positive changes in my interactions with the in-laws.

P.S. Enter to win a free copy of Hope Happens, just leave a comment between now and Nov. 15th. This book has great quotes to inspire and calm you as you prepare for the crazy holiday season.

It was a fun interview – I hope you enjoy it. Please listen at: Finding Your Diamond Radio.

P.S. If you want to create a business around your passion, I recommend Elmas at Diamond Life Creators.

So a little background. My relationship with the in-laws is a bit challenging. It started out lovely then went bad. I thought we resovlved our issues, but when Dave and I were going through our infertility and then the premature birth of our twins it got outright ugly (and I’ve only put about 10% of the “ugly” details of our relationship in my book!). After many years of soul searching, counseling, etc. I’ve finally found a good space with regard to the in-laws. We are friendly, but not too friendly. I have boundaries in which I play well with others and walls where I dare not go or let them pass. It’s not a perfect system, but it works for me and it works for my marriage.

My twins are about to turn 4 years old. I’m having issues with this birthday. The are no longer toddlers and I’ll never have another baby again. I’m feeling sad as they are growing up way too soon and I wish we could have had another child (although HB would disagree, he’s the reason we don’t have any more). So my feelings of anxiety with my kids growing up too soon with anticipation of the in-laws coming to town pushed me over the edge, so to speak. Last week I was in denial that I was anxious about the in-laws visit, but today I realize that was the cause of my pity party.

Yesterday I received an email from my sister-in-law. When I saw her name pop up in my email box the butterflies started to rumble in my belly and my first thought was, “I really don’t want to read what she wrote. I don’t want to deal with this.” To my surprise, it was an email about how she wanted to build a better relationship with me and she was so sorry for treating me poorly in the past. It did feel nice to hear her say she was sorry and immediately I stated to feel less burdened. As good as it felt to hear her apologize, it wasn’t her words that made me fell better. It was the acceptance that I was dreading the arrival of the in-laws, including my sister-in-law, for my twins birthday party.

Today I realized that this is what had been bothering me all week last week. Since I had yet to identify it, I didn’t know what was wrong and wallowed in my own little pity party.  After all of the work I’ve done to build a decent relationship with the in-laws I didn’t want to admit that it wasn’t always going to be easy to be around them or deal with how they treat me. So today, instead of dreading their inevitable arrival, I’ll manifest good thoughts and what fun it will be to have the entire family around to wish my twins a wonderful 4th birthday. This should help with my gloomy mood (which is better today than it has been in a week.).

I didn’t make up the name for the show, I was just an interviewee! Listen to me being interviewed about my book and infertility at the Fascinating Authors web page. The interview is only about 10 minutes long. Let me know your thoughts – was I right on or was I way off base?

To buy a copy of my book from the March of Dimes website – where I donate $5 per book sold click this link.

Creative Commons image courtesy of fatcontroller

I often tease my husband that he is arrogant; he says it’s a matter of confidence, not arrogance. As we discuss his male factor infertility, he never felt his condition made him less of a man even though some of his friends poked fun at him. We opted not to proceed with surgery to see if that would help his male factor issues and instead headed straight for IVF.

He is open about how our marriage was, in his words, “rocky, at best.” In addition, our IVF resulted in twins and he was scared and totally uneducated about the risk factors associated with multiple-gestation pregnancies.

How does a man handle his life and his emotional wife during this time period? As Dave mentions, this is all new territory for both individuals. It can be overwhelming for the man and there is a lot to learn so he recommends educating yourself sooner-rather-than-later to be more prepared for what might happen. His advice? Communicate!

Our marriage is stronger today than it was before our experience with infertility, yet it has changed too. We have learned to communicate with each other more effectively. Hopefully you can learn from our mistakes.

Be sure to leave your comments about this episode, or call our comment line at (206) 203-4138. Who knows, you may even end up on the show!

Creative Commons photo by [phil h].
Did you enjoy this podcast? Please review The Twin Peas Pod in the iTunes Store!

Did you miss anything I said? Don’t worry, there’s a full transcript waiting for you — just click the following link!

TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE 4:

The Things People Say

No matter where you are in your infertility journey, people probably have said things to you that hurt or make you want to scream at them for their total lack of understanding and compassion about your situation. I’m sure you’ve heard one or more of the following:

You’re just not having sex enough.
Start the adoption process and you’ll get pregnant in no time.
Just relax you’re stressing out too much, you’ll get pregnant.
Go on vacation, once you’re in that kind of environment you’ll get pregnant.
Sometimes these comments are irritating, while others are intentionally hurtful. A friend of mine relayed the following statement made by his mother-in-law to his wife, Cathy: “Your marriage to Tim has been a waste since you are not able to have a child with him.” Truly the things people say when couples are in the midst of infertility can be insensitive, yet they might not even know it!

I remember one day when my mother-in-law and I were talking on the phone. I don’t recall the exact reason we were on the phone, but to no fault of hers the conversation turned from supporting me to my supporting her. She was talking about how she wanted a grandchild and even it meant she would have an adopted grandchild she would be okay with that. I was kind of taken aback the conversation turned from “I’m so sorry you’re struggling and that you’re not able to get pregnant” to “I want to be a grandma.” So what I realized during that conversation was that our infertility didn’t just impact me and Dave, it actually impacted our entire family. What I also realized is that people don’t think about the couple that is struggling, they think about themselves. And it’s just human nature, it’s not a right or wrong, it’s just the way that it is.

So how do you deal with these comments? Because when we are in the midst of infertility we have to recognize that these unwelcome and sometimes inappropriate comments will be made by friends, family and associates. We must also realize that people don’t always think first and speak second. I believe it is up to us to determine how we manage these comments internally as well as directly with their maker.

So how do you handle these unwelcomed comments? First, in order to maintain your sanity, you need to address the maker by letting them know their words upset you. This is easier said than done. I know that. Let’s take Cathy’s mother for example. Cathy could have said, “Mom, I love Tim very much and regardless of whether or not we have children we will happy together, isn’t that what’s really important?” Second, is to educate and inform. Whether you education them on infertility in general or your specific challenges is really up to you. The point here is to inform others about what you are going though to give them an opportunity to be more compassionate. They may or may not disappoint you. Finally, request the maker to keep future potentially harmful comments to themselves no matter how “helpful” they are trying to be.

We may not be able to deflect all of the comments that come our way. Relationships can be difficult to navigate during infertility, so it’s important to communicate openly and honestly with those you care about so that they can help, rather than hurt, you along your journey.