My husband recently broke his leg in a skiing accident. Romance has not been on the top of our list the past few weeks, but we are planning on spending some time together over the weekend. The one good thing about holidays like Valentine’s Day is that it can force us to spend time with our partner outside of the daily routine of our busy lives. Something we all need to do on ocassion to keep our relationships healthy and happy.

Infertility is one of the most challenging issues a couple must endure. There are many other issues that come from every day life. When you actually become a parent the challenges do not stop. Sometimes couples do not know what to do to help their relationship. My husband and I use counseling as one means to help us during our darkest times. I attended counseling sessions on my own and worked on creating my own happiness which spilled over into my marriage.

A friend of mine provided me with a valuable resource that might be helpful to couples struggling in their relationship. If you are serious about making your relationship better, check out Retrouvaille. I wish I had know about this service when we were struggling with infertility. It would have saved us many months of struggle! Pass this resource on to others you think might find it helpful.

My husband and a friend of his were discussing a business owner, Robert. Robert loves the idea of outsourcing. He sees tremendous cost savings in one of his business lines by outsourcing a particular function. My husband and his friend don’t necessarily agree with his logic, but they agree he makes some valid points. Robert has two children, both adopted from China. My husband’s friend, who has never experienced infertility, says “Obviously this guy loves outsourcing, he outsourced his entire family.”

When my husband relayed this story I gasped out loud. I was incensed by the total lack of compassion by both of these men, especially my husband who should know better. I say, “I’m guessing Robert and his wife experienced infertility and they chose adoption to build their family.” My husband says, “You don’t know that. Maybe they just chose to adopt.” Seriously?!?

Then, we are at a business/personal function for one of my husband’s clients. My husband asks one of the men there when he and his wife plan on having kids. This couple has been married for 5 years. I’m standing there in shock. Shouldn’t my husband know better than to ask this kind of question. Or do men have a totally different mindset – or did he forget that we once dealt with infertility!?!

My husband has a serious case of infertility amnesia. When I gave my opinion on these two things he just shrugged. He said its just the difference between how we have processed our infertility as well as our differing male/female views on the topic. Oh well. What can you do?

But I do like the message in this article from the Washington Post, John and Kate Plus Health Care. The stress of high-multiples is something that you can only truly appreciate if you have them. Many couples think they would welcome twins, or even triplets into their family. But can you imagine 6 babies at once? As sleep deprived and stressed out as I was with just twins, I cannot even fathom how a couple can manage quads or sextuplets.

Do you think insurance coverage would make the impact the author is suggesting? I do think there is some truth to her message/opinion.

P.S. Thanks to RESOLVE for posting a link to this article via Facebook.

While I believe that I married my soul mate, our love was truly tested during our infertility and then again right after our daughters were born prematurely. We managed to remain in love no matter how mad we became with one another. There were times I was ready to walk away, but I couldn’t do it. The pull to be with my husband was too strong. I didn’t want to live my life without him in it. The strength of a marriage can be truly amazing!

You can overcome most any obstacle when you have the power of love inside you and when you are receiving it in return. Infertility can test your love. It can turn lovers into enemies. It can cause happy marriages to fall apart. It can create a black hole inside of a woman’s (or man’s) heart.

Love. How can you incorporate more of it into your life?

At first it didn’t seem like we could or would ever agree on a course of action regarding our fertility. We didn’t take the time to figure out if we were both on the same path to parenthood, obviously we were not. I was doing most of the research on what procedures would be the best fit for our medical conditions and assumed that he would agree. We talked about adoption prior to getting married, but when the reality of that decision was upon us we couldn’t agree that was a good idea for both of us.

We did consider the consequences, somewhat.  We didn’t talk about what would happen in the procedures didn’t work. Nor did we talk about the risks involved with a twin pregnancy. We were naive too in that we thought a twin pregnancy would be a good thing – we knew little of the risks involved in a multiple gestation pregnancy.

Finally, there are multiple cost to infertility. The financial cost, the emotional cost, relationship strains, etc. We mainly focused on the financial drain of the fertility treatments because initially this was the first hurdle to overcome. Yet, our biggest battle would be the miscommunication or lack of communication during our journey.

I wish we would have considered these three questions once we found out our diagnosis of infertile:

1. What is our course of action to become parents? What procedures will we pursue? How long will we try? How much money will we spend?
2. What are the consequences of our actions? What if the procedures don’t work? What if we become pregnant with twins or more? What are the risks to the woman during treatment and/or during pregnancy?
3. What are the costs? How much are we willing to risk, not just financially, but also regarding the bond of our marriage? How can we minimize these costs?

Did you create an action plan or consider any of these questions?

As I sat across from a woman who was just entering her second trimester after IVF with donor eggs, I became even more aware that infertility is a couple’s medical problem. I was intrigued as she described the resentment she felt toward her husband because she had to endure the needles and medications while he just waited patiently to play his part. Their infertility was mainly due to female factor although there might have been a male component, I don’t recall. Anyway, I felt validated by her honesty.

It’s not that women, at least this is my opinion, regret or blame their parnter for “forcing” them to do IVF (or other fertility treatments). It’s that the physical strain and emotional drain of IVF can become overwhelming even if it was our decision to move forward with the medical interventions. Men simply do not have to experience infertility the same way in which women do. And sometimes this can create a disconnect in the relationship.

So, how do you feel about your partner? Is there anything he can do to make the process better or more pleasant for you? How can you support each other during this stressful time?

A few years ago I came to the conclusion that without holidays families wouldn’t get together. Thank goodness for Thanksgiving and the winter holidays to force us to reconnect with our families! It’s not that we don’t want to spend time with family (although I’m sure this can be the case), it’s just that we are all so busy with our lives. Throw in health issues, especially one that people cannot understand, and watch the distance between you and your relatives grow. But Valentine’s Day is different because it force us to appreciate the love of our life – the one we chose to spend our lives with, forever.

So as I look forward to our date on Saturday, I’m thankful for this silly Hallmark holiday because it forces me to take an entire day to appreciate my husband. Without this day I might not really spend the time to honor our relationship. It’s so easy to get caught-up in the day-to-day life and forget to appreciate those around me. When things are going well I don’t stop to consider how wonderful my life is or how great my husband is to both our children and me.

On this Valentine’s Day:

1. Honor the relationship you have with your partner. Let them know how much they mean to you. A simple, “I love you” might just do the trick.
2. Remember a great memory and share in the joy of that memory with your partner. What makes you smile when you think of your partner? Your wedding? Honeymoon? Or something as simple as watching a good movie together on the couch?
3. Spend quality time together. Whether it’s one full day or a few hours. Find time in your busy schedule to focus on just you and your partner. Talk about the weather, your jobs, your dreams, but not infertility or the struggles of daily life.

Do you have any plans for the holiday? Please share them with me.

It’s that time of year when everyone is full of holiday cheer – or at least that is the hope. However, holidays can be very stressful. It’s the time when family members get together, some for the first time since the last holiday season. The holidays are extra stressful because people say or do things that can hurt our feelings, unbeknown to them, because we don’t keep our family and friends updated on what is going on in our lives.

This week I received an email from one of my husband’s friend’s wife. She told me that she had no idea all that we had been through with infertility. She said she thought something was up because we were pregnant with twins. Then she had no idea about all of the stress we experienced with their early birth. Keep in mind, this email is coming to me 4 years later.

Our family and friends should be our support system. I didn’t do a good job of utilizing my family during our infertility, but I recognize now that had I done so it would have been so much easier for Dave and me. Hopefully you can avoid some of my mistakes and look at this time of year as an opportunity to let your family into your world. Even if they don’t “get it” or they don’t know how to offer you support, you’ve done your part to keep them involved.

For more tips on how to enjoy the holiday season, read this 8 page compilation of stories from RESOLVE.

Creative Commons image courtesy of Size8Jeans.

Next week I’ll be posting two blogs about the male perspective. Since I was in this mindset already, an opportunity to share our story with another blogger who seeks input from other couples came my way. Funny how things work out sometimes… To read her article and the interview about male factor infertility go to, Quips and Tips for Couples Coping with Infertility.

I didn’t make up the name for the show, I was just an interviewee! Listen to me being interviewed about my book and infertility at the Fascinating Authors web page. The interview is only about 10 minutes long. Let me know your thoughts – was I right on or was I way off base?

To buy a copy of my book from the March of Dimes website – where I donate $5 per book sold click this link.

The first two are great resources provided by the March of Dimes: First, WhatAreYouWondering? has a ton of information on pre-pregnancy and conception topics. There are two ways to find information: 1) scroll around on the page and text will be highlighted. There are a lot of questions presented on the page so finding what you want may take some time, or 2) type in your question and click the search icon.Second, NewsMomsNeed and moms-to-be-too is a blog, provides twitter tips, and focuses on the entire woman from preconception to pregnancy. So infertility topics are discussed here too.

Third, a must listen to teleseminar/podcast for couples who are struggling to find any romance in the baby making process. If you’ve been trying to conceive for 6 months or more, it’s possible that sex is becoming a job and not the intimate act it should be. Listen to Elaina and get that romance back. Visit her blog for more tips.

Fourth and fifth, if you need a little pick-me-up there are two great blogs/websites with positive inspiration. A Million Moments of Kindness and Authentic Times. I recognize that you won’t always be in the mood for the messages these two resources provide, but when you are you’ll know where to find them. Most of the inspiration will be found in their daily or weekly email newsletters so you’ll need to sign up to receive them.

Finally, my list of resources can be found at my Twin Peas website. Look for the resources in the middle of the page.

Are you feeling generous over the holiday weekend? Buy a copy of my awesome book at Tiny Toes.

Creative Commons image courtesy of heather.

Creative Commons image courtesy of fatcontroller

Dr. Singer believes the parents of adult children should take an active role in helping their child during times of struggle, especially during infertility. It can be a touchy subject for these parents because providing “advice” to their adult child might seem selfish or could be misunderstood. However, done correctly the communication between the parent and adult child can provide much needed support, either financially or emotionally.

During infertility, couples must open the lines of communication in order to keep their marriage intact. Sometimes a therapist can poke and prod in a way that is more effective than when a couple attempts to communicate on their own. My husband and I used both approaches. We seemed to communicate more effectively during our counseling sessions as our therapist kept us on track. However, we had many great conversations without the assistance of a therapist.

At one point during the interview Dr. Singer makes a somewhat controversial statement, based on a scientific study, that the best environment for a child is their biological family. I don’t think he meant any disrespect for families created through adoption. I hope you’ll agree.

Dealing with infertility is a very private, team effort. It does take a lot of work. Learn the priorities of your spouse so that you can better determine how you can move forward together. Dr. Singer and I wish you the best of luck!

To learn more about Dr. Singer visit his website www.familythinking.com, send him an email to inquire about his services (he can conduct long-distance therapy via Skype) at dralansinger@aol.com or regular mail at P.O. Box 4222, Highland, NJ 08904.

To read one of Dr. Singers news paper column articles visit this one on Supersized Families.

As far as we are aware, there was really nothing “wrong” with their marriage. They seemed to have a great time together when ever we were with them. They seemed to be in love. So what causes people to cheat? Why not just end your marriage first?

I recognize that I’m not perfect, nor is my marriage. My husband and I did contemplate divorce when we were struggling with infertility. We had differing goals and neither one of us would budge. It was a great source of conflict and seemed irreconcilable. Then one day, we agreed on trying to achieve the same goal and remain married. I’m sure there were times just 3 years ago when my husband had wished we had made the decision to split, as I know I had that thought. However, I am so grateful that we didn’t get a divorce and stuck out our marriage because today we are happy.

Is marriage easy? Hell no. It’s about compromise. It’s about supporting each other during your darkest days. It’s about loving and respecting each other. Marriage can be joyful, but it requires you to work and you must create your happiness together. If you are unhappy in your marriage it is your fault and only you can change your mindset or do something about it.

So, for Mrs. B (although Mrs. C might be a better fit in this case) don’t blame Mr. M for your unhappiness. Take responsibility for YOUR own actions.

Am I wrong?

Creative Commons image courtesy of Tangent~A

My DH was diagnosed with MF infertility. I also have irregular cycles due to a pituitary tumor that messes with my prolactin levels. We opted not to pursue surgery for my DH as our doctor said there were no guarantees it would change his condition enough for us to get pregnant without assistance and it was an expensive procedure not covered by insurance. His counts were not horrible, but his morphology (shape) and motility (ability to swim) were not good.

Once we processed our predicament. I was ready to jump into IVF, but Dave decided that he wasn’t meant to be a father and our marriage was at a cross roads. As much as I loved him, I wanted to be a mom more. I resented him for taking away any chance of me becoming a mom (he didn’t want to adopt either). So I left him with two choices, 1) divorce or 2) IVF. He decided to try IVF if it meant saving our marriage.

We interviewed a few docs and decided to use an RE in Las Vegas because he diagnosed my pituitary tumor over the phone, while the other docs we interviewed didn’t really care about my prolactin irregularities (which were caused by the tumor). I believed with all of my heart that our IVF cycle would work. With MF and few FF issues, IVF is generally very successful. My RE told me he would get me pregnant during our first IVF (another reason I picked him).

We did become pregnant with twins and were very naive as to what that meant about our pregnancy and our life with two at once. One of our friends had her IVF twins at 34 weeks and we still didn’t think it would happen to us. I’m healthy, physically active and was fairly young (in my early 30′s) at the time. At 24 weeks I went into preterm labor. I was admitted to the hospital for just over 1 month. If you think bed rest is easy, think again. As happy as I was to be pregnant, I was scared to death about my unborn babies! Being in a hospital bed for 33 days can feel like an eternity – yes, even after you’ve beaten IF with a pregnancy.

I was sent home to wait out my pregnancy when I was 28 1/2 weeks. We thought we were home free and expected to make it to 36 weeks, but someone had other plans for us. At 30 weeks my water broke and my twin girls were born weighing just over 2 1/2 lbs. Our first born was diagnosed with a preemie disease, NEC, when she was 9 days old. She had her first surgery at 5 weeks of age, weighing only 4 lbs, to remove half of her colon. Without the surgery she would have died. We are lucky her intestine didn’t burst before she was rolled into surgery – had it done so, she would have died. At 6 mos of age she had a second surgery to reverse her colostomy.

Today both girls are happy and healthy. Not a day goes by that I don’t acknowledge how lucky we are to be parents, to have both girls alive, and to have both of our daughters healthy without any developmental or physical handicaps.

Creative Commons image courtesy of Celeste

I often tease my husband that he is arrogant; he says it’s a matter of confidence, not arrogance. As we discuss his male factor infertility, he never felt his condition made him less of a man even though some of his friends poked fun at him. We opted not to proceed with surgery to see if that would help his male factor issues and instead headed straight for IVF.

He is open about how our marriage was, in his words, “rocky, at best.” In addition, our IVF resulted in twins and he was scared and totally uneducated about the risk factors associated with multiple-gestation pregnancies.

How does a man handle his life and his emotional wife during this time period? As Dave mentions, this is all new territory for both individuals. It can be overwhelming for the man and there is a lot to learn so he recommends educating yourself sooner-rather-than-later to be more prepared for what might happen. His advice? Communicate!

Our marriage is stronger today than it was before our experience with infertility, yet it has changed too. We have learned to communicate with each other more effectively. Hopefully you can learn from our mistakes.

Be sure to leave your comments about this episode, or call our comment line at (206) 203-4138. Who knows, you may even end up on the show!

I’ve been in a place where I didn’t “own” that something was wrong with me and I didn’t give it the appropriate label. In turn, I allowed emotions to consume me that impacted my ability to be happy. I let my life spiral into a negative abyss which almost lead to me divorcing my husband. Then one day a psychic told me that I would be divorced within 2 years. She gave my marital status a label – divorce. Whoa!

Even though I had been having thoughts of divorce and had said the word in my head, her label of my life hit me like a ton of bricks. It forced me to think about my marriage, my life, and myself. Did I really want a divorce? Not really, but there had been times where I really didn’t like my husband. Although, there were times when I loved him more than anything. Was he a bad husband? No, truly he was a saint for putting up with me during my worst-of-times.

I formed two questions that changed my life – What can I do to be happy again? What can I do to save my marriage?

I finally admitted I was depressed. It didn’t matter if it was labeled postpartum or PTSD, it finally had a label and I could own it. With that label I was able to create an action plan. I sought help with anti-depressants and with alternative counseling therapies. I realized that I wanted to change. I wanted to be happy again. And I wanted to have a happy marriage with my husband too.

Every now and then I hear people caution us to use labels – yesterday, as a matter of fact. To some extent I agree with them, but I also think labels help us to overcome our challenges. I’m an introvert and since I know this about myself, I’ve learned how to manage my personality in social situations.

What are you not labeling? Are you going to own it so that you can let it go?

Creative Commons image courtesy of bitsandbobbins

Couples in the midst of their infertility journey will benefit from the openness in which Jimmy and Christine tell about their experience with a failed IVF attempt, how they are managing their marriage, the disappointment of their failed IVF cycle as well as their friendships and family relationships. Jimmy and Christine are an amazing couple and an inspiration to others struggling with infertility.

Be sure to leave your thoughts on episode 5 in the comment section below!

cc photo courtesy of Flickr user theparadigmshifter.

In today’s episode, I discuss how to manage relationships as you navigate your infertility journey. I openly discuss how I handled my relationships during our infertility. Infertility creates an interesting dynamic between the fertile and infertile as well as those who just don’t “get it.”

When we found out one of Dave’s friends was expecting it was devastating to me. We had other friends who were pregnant or trying to conceive, but for some reason this particular news hit me harder than I anticipated. All of a sudden I wanted nothing to do with this couple. Why? I have no idea. Still to this day, I don’t know why I struggled emotionally when I found out this particular couple became pregnant.

To make matters worse, Dave and I seemed to forget how to communicate with one another during our infertility. It was like we spoke two different languages and neither of us could understand the other. And even though we thought we were good communicators prior to our infertility, this challenge taught us we still had a long way to go.

Relatives can stress any marriage. Throw infertility or anything baby related into the mix and watch the sparks fly. When Dave and I found out we were infertile I did little to bond with his family and I hoped they would reach out to me in my time of need. Since I failed to communicate with them about my emotions they had no idea how to approach me or how to manage their relationship with me. Whether you talk openly with your own relatives or in-laws or do so together as a team, communication with relatives is important even if it is only to educate them on the medical aspects of your journey. Even if they don’t “get it” they might just surprise you with a little bit of compassion.

CC photo “The Promise…” by Flickr user HappyHorizons

Hello and welcome to episode one of The Twin Peas Podcast with Kelly Damron.

In today’s episode, our host Kelly openly describes the time when she and her husband found out they were an infertile couple. First, she noticed that her cycles were not quite right. Then she had a hunch it wasn’t just her.

Kelly encourages you to be your own advocate by learning about your medical conditions so you can discuss your options intelligently with your doctors. Navigating the infertility journey is challenging even with a strong marriage, communication will help you stick together when the going gets tough!

Please share your thoughts about this Episode in the comments section below.

Did you miss anything Kelly said? Don’t worry, there’s a full transcript waiting for you — just click the following link!

Transcript:

In this podcast I’m going to talk about how my husband and I found out we were infertile and how that impacted our marriage…We had been married for about three years when we decided to have the conversation about whether or not we were ready to have a child. We both agreed we were ready. I was surprised that we were both ready at the same time. Dave, my husband, was nervous about how having a child would change our relationship. We had, had an easy, fun marriage without children and he was afraid that would all change if we brought a child into the mix. I, though, wasn’t really concerned about what was going to happen to our marriage because, in my opinion, we had a very strong relationship and a child wasn’t going to change that. I was ready to be a mom.

The first month we tried I was late. I was ecstatic. I beamed at the thought I was pregnant. I truly convinced myself that I was. But my period started a few days later. And it was my experience with what would become recurring disappointment. Some women call it the two week wait, disappointment of the two week wait. I laugh, now, at how naive I was in thinking that becoming pregnant would be easy and would happen so quickly. Dave and I had a friend that had confided in us that she and her husband were going through infertility. They had been trying for a long time to have children. I think it was about four years when we had this conversation. Dave and I felt sorry for her. We listed to her, and gave her any advice we could offer. Neither of us ever dreamed that someday we be in her shoes.

Every month my cycle seemed to tease me. There were a times where I was late only to have my period start five to seven days later. I started to anticipate every month in hopes that this one might be the one. But every month I was disappointed that my cycle that started, basically, on cue. After 6 months I wonder if maybe something was wrong. But I thought the easiest thing to do was to tracking my basal body temperature. What I noticed after five months of tracking was that my cycles were totally inconsistent. There would be one month where I would spike my temperature at day ten then the next month it would be day twenty. There was no way I could possibly time intercourse to have a child with that form of cycle irregularity.

I took my temperature charting to my Ob/gyn and he confirmed my suspicions, that my cycle was out of whack and there was probably something wrong. He prescribed a drug known as Clomid. He told me that Clomid would help regulate my cycles and force my body to ovulate. He expected that I would be pregnant within three months. I was ecstatic that after almost a year of trying that within three months I would be pregnant.

Dave laughed at me that I was so obsessed about becoming a mom. But I was getting up there, I was in my thirties and I was ready. For some reason, I thought something else might be wrong that maybe it wasn’t just me, that maybe it was him too. Somewhat against his will and to humor me, he had his sperm tested by his general physician. To his surprise, but not really to mine, his test results were less than favorable. More testing by the Urologists confirmed the initial test results, Dave was diagnosed as infertile. Basically, he was producing too few sperm and those that he did have didn’t swim very well or weren’t quite the right shape. All round the news about Dave’s sperm was not so good.

We both had issues, which was good we couldn’t blame each other for our infertility. But, my problem was mainly hormonal and easily treatable. Dave’s condition; was well, sobering and sad. His diagnosis was probably harder on me than it was on him.

After we found out that we both had problems, my life’s mission became determining what our options were. I search everywhere to learn everything about infertility. What it was, what caused it, how it was treated, what it cost, what the doctors where doing, who were the doctors in my area. Anything that I could learn about infertility, I tried to learned. I also convinced my Ob/gyn to run some tests for me that would be covered under my insurance policy, because the infertility doctors and their tests were not covered by my insurance company. He obliged and also provided me with information about my results so that I use that when talking with a Reproductive Endocrinologists, known as an RE.

But Dave and I found ourselves on different spectrums in our relationship, our goals and our dreams. I was willing to do anything it took to become a mom, to spend any amount of money and to go through any type of procedure. Dave had decided that with his infertile diagnosis that he wasn’t meant to be a father and he was okay with his infertile condition. He tried to convince me how wonderful life would be for us without a child. We could do anything we wanted to do, we could travel anywhere in the world, we could buy anything we wanted to buy, and we could do all of this without the hassle or having to worry about a child.

What he didn’t realize is that I didn’t feel the same way. And I wasn’t willing to lead my life without a child. When we started talking about how much infertility treatments would cost and what our options were, we found our marriage disconnected. He didn’t want to undergo a procedure that might not work. I believed, though, with my heart and my soul that infertility treatments would work for us. I didn’t care about the money. It’s just money. We did have to borrow from our home equity line in order to undergo infertility treatments and it’s not fun to have to make both an emotional and financial decision about something that is supposed to come so naturally.

One day Dave says to me, “I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to have to pay to have a child. No infertility treatments, no adoption.” He was adamant, his had made his decision. He wanted to live his life without a child. I stared at him in total disbelief and could not believe this was my husband. So, I gave him two choices. Choice one was we would get a divorce and go lead our separate lives and I would hope to find someone who would want to have a child with me. Choice two was that he would have to at least try infertility treatments to have a child. He soon decided that he would give infertility treatments a shot if that meant we attempt to save our marriage. Our marriage was rocky for a period of time. We went through counseling, I mainly went through counseling, and he joined me on occasion. We fought a lot and we cried a lot. But somehow we managed to stick together and support each other.

So next time I’ll talk about once we decided to go through IVF how we chose our doctor.

Copyright 2008 by Kelly Damron. Original music copyright 2008, Disc of Light Media -composed and performed by Kevin Kennedy-Spaien.