At first it didn’t seem like we could or would ever agree on a course of action regarding our fertility. We didn’t take the time to figure out if we were both on the same path to parenthood, obviously we were not. I was doing most of the research on what procedures would be the best fit for our medical conditions and assumed that he would agree. We talked about adoption prior to getting married, but when the reality of that decision was upon us we couldn’t agree that was a good idea for both of us.

We did consider the consequences, somewhat.  We didn’t talk about what would happen in the procedures didn’t work. Nor did we talk about the risks involved with a twin pregnancy. We were naive too in that we thought a twin pregnancy would be a good thing – we knew little of the risks involved in a multiple gestation pregnancy.

Finally, there are multiple cost to infertility. The financial cost, the emotional cost, relationship strains, etc. We mainly focused on the financial drain of the fertility treatments because initially this was the first hurdle to overcome. Yet, our biggest battle would be the miscommunication or lack of communication during our journey.

I wish we would have considered these three questions once we found out our diagnosis of infertile:

1. What is our course of action to become parents? What procedures will we pursue? How long will we try? How much money will we spend?
2. What are the consequences of our actions? What if the procedures don’t work? What if we become pregnant with twins or more? What are the risks to the woman during treatment and/or during pregnancy?
3. What are the costs? How much are we willing to risk, not just financially, but also regarding the bond of our marriage? How can we minimize these costs?

Did you create an action plan or consider any of these questions?

If you have ever completed an application for an RE’s office, it’s more like an interrogation than an application. There are so many questions, so much invasion into your private life. Then there is counseling, oh my. During one of my first therapy sessions, which started during our infertility, my counselor asked me if there was any abuse or neglect during my childhood. My quick reply was, “No. Not that I can think of.” Of course, I was lying or at least not telling her the whole truth. In a sense, I was protecting myself. By not admitting I had demons from my childhood I didn’t have to deal with them as an adult. Also, by not sharing this information with her I was able to keep her at a distance that was comfortable for me.

About 18 months ago a huge demon from my childhood reared it’s ugly head and I could not longer ignore it. The dream that I wasn’t sure was real or not finally hit me in the face with its reality and I had to deal with it. The relationship between me and my mom became tense. I made the decision to no longer associate with my biological brother. It was just too hard, I was tired of the same old struggle, and no longer interested in being degraded in order to keep the family ties.

My husband was confused. Poor guy. So, one day I am visibly flustered and he is concerned about me. He wants to know why I am upset and I had debated all day about how much I should tell him. The truth came out and after 8+ years of marriage he learns one of my most sacred family secrets. Whoa! Now he is upset and not sure how to react. Not that I blame him. I had never expected all of this to come out for him, or anyone else, to know. Was I protecing him or me or his opinion of me? I’m not sure.

Although sometimes I wish my secret was still safely locked up, I am thankful for the freedom I now feel. Now I’m back in counseling to deal with all the bad stuff from my childhood. How much easier it would have been had I just addressed them at the get-go. Yes, 5 years ago! I could have made so much more progress on insecurities that have shaped me, have burdened me, and have made it difficult for me to truly be happy.

So, what about those white lies, half-truths or unspoken truths? Are they protecting you? At least for today?

Is this a silly reason to change doctors? Maybe. But it is my opinion that I have a right to know what is going on with my health, my body. I recognize that doctors don’t want to run unnecessary tests, but this is something that probably should be checked every year or at least every other year.

I suppose it was more than the denied request for this test. One year after the birth of my twins he had made a comment about my weight. I was still heavy from my pregnany and I wasn’t one of those lucky ladies that lost all her “baby” weight breastfeeding, in fact my body was holding on to all that weight – it sucked. Anyway, he lectured me about how I needed to loose those extra 20 pounds (beleive me I would have loved to) and that I obviously wasn’t exercising enough. I was irritated but went back for my annual exam one year later.

In the new consumer driven market, I would think more doctors are going to see patients leave for better care or more caring doctors. See Julia’s comment on the How Integrated Are You? post. Truly, if you lack compassion for your patients you are in the wrong profession!

But it is not just the doctors that sometimes communicate poorly with us. I know that I’ve been guilty of not sharing all of the facts or relevant details around my health with my doctors.  However, I am an open book now. I now know that they can do a better job of assessing my issues if I give them all of the facts, even the details that I think might be insignificant. Although they might not always pick up on those details…a recent illness of mine proves they are not infailable as my doctor missed the start of Shingles, even though I pointed out the bumps on my face during an exam. Oh well.

Just like with your marriage; communication is the key to a successful relationship. I forgot to apply this logic before we experienced infertility. I am now a much more educated health care consumer and require my providers give me all of the relevant facts, or even the details they might think are insignificant.

What steps are you taking to ensure you receive good care?

It’s that time of year when everyone is full of holiday cheer – or at least that is the hope. However, holidays can be very stressful. It’s the time when family members get together, some for the first time since the last holiday season. The holidays are extra stressful because people say or do things that can hurt our feelings, unbeknown to them, because we don’t keep our family and friends updated on what is going on in our lives.

This week I received an email from one of my husband’s friend’s wife. She told me that she had no idea all that we had been through with infertility. She said she thought something was up because we were pregnant with twins. Then she had no idea about all of the stress we experienced with their early birth. Keep in mind, this email is coming to me 4 years later.

Our family and friends should be our support system. I didn’t do a good job of utilizing my family during our infertility, but I recognize now that had I done so it would have been so much easier for Dave and me. Hopefully you can avoid some of my mistakes and look at this time of year as an opportunity to let your family into your world. Even if they don’t “get it” or they don’t know how to offer you support, you’ve done your part to keep them involved.

For more tips on how to enjoy the holiday season, read this 8 page compilation of stories from RESOLVE.

Creative Commons image courtesy of Size8Jeans.

Next thing I know he is yelling at the man he is talking to and says to me, “This guy hit our car.” The old man retorts back, “You were waving me in.” To which my husband shouts, “No, I wasn’t, I was waving at you to stop.” I survey the damage to our car while these two hot heads are yelling at each other. I tell you what, my experience with infertility and prematurity has sure calmed me and helped me to handle situations better. I kindly turn to the man and say, “It doesn’t matter if he was waving you in or not, you should have noticed that you hit our car as you were parking. You obviously misjudged when you started to park your car into this spot.” The old man shouts back at my husband, “You were waving me in.” Again, I state, “Sir, you misjudged how much room you had and you hit our car.”

I leave these two and grab our insurance card to determine what information we need from this guy so that we can have our car repaired. Somewhere along the way, the old man calms down and apologizes to my husband for hitting our car. He leaves as do we. While driving back home, my husband is outraged and continues to repeat what the old man had said and shook his head while saying, “You were waving me in…What an idiot.”

When my husband and the old man were yelling at each other neither of them was listening to what the other had to say. The old man was blaming my husband for “waving him in” because he wanted to blame someone else for his actions. He seemed to calm down when I came to the scene because I was calm about the incident. Before we all departed, he recognized his error. At no point was I angry about the old man hitting my car, instead I was a little irritated that I was going to have to be car-less for a few days while it gets repaired, but instead of dwelling on that I made a call to our insurance company to start the conversation about repairs. What’s done is done and all we can do now is move forward.

I applied this same concept to an email I received from my sister-in-law last week. There is so much history and good reason for me to still be angry, but I’ve moved on because does me no good to dwell on the past. Instead, I look forward to the future and react accordingly. From personal experience I can tell you that this works. It’s how I rebuilt my failing marriage to create a strong relationship with my husband today.

A few things I noticed about this event: 1) If you are hot tempered, the other person will be too, 2) few people take responsibility for their actions so it’s not always effective to point out to them it was their fault, 3) things like this have much less of an impact on me today than they used to, and 4) it’s better to move from anger to action than to dwell on things you cannot change.

What can you do to move forward?

I often tease my husband that he is arrogant; he says it’s a matter of confidence, not arrogance. As we discuss his male factor infertility, he never felt his condition made him less of a man even though some of his friends poked fun at him. We opted not to proceed with surgery to see if that would help his male factor issues and instead headed straight for IVF.

He is open about how our marriage was, in his words, “rocky, at best.” In addition, our IVF resulted in twins and he was scared and totally uneducated about the risk factors associated with multiple-gestation pregnancies.

How does a man handle his life and his emotional wife during this time period? As Dave mentions, this is all new territory for both individuals. It can be overwhelming for the man and there is a lot to learn so he recommends educating yourself sooner-rather-than-later to be more prepared for what might happen. His advice? Communicate!

Our marriage is stronger today than it was before our experience with infertility, yet it has changed too. We have learned to communicate with each other more effectively. Hopefully you can learn from our mistakes.

Be sure to leave your comments about this episode, or call our comment line at (206) 203-4138. Who knows, you may even end up on the show!

Creative Commons photo by [phil h].
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Did you miss anything I said? Don’t worry, there’s a full transcript waiting for you — just click the following link!

TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE 4:

The Things People Say

No matter where you are in your infertility journey, people probably have said things to you that hurt or make you want to scream at them for their total lack of understanding and compassion about your situation. I’m sure you’ve heard one or more of the following:

You’re just not having sex enough.
Start the adoption process and you’ll get pregnant in no time.
Just relax you’re stressing out too much, you’ll get pregnant.
Go on vacation, once you’re in that kind of environment you’ll get pregnant.
Sometimes these comments are irritating, while others are intentionally hurtful. A friend of mine relayed the following statement made by his mother-in-law to his wife, Cathy: “Your marriage to Tim has been a waste since you are not able to have a child with him.” Truly the things people say when couples are in the midst of infertility can be insensitive, yet they might not even know it!

I remember one day when my mother-in-law and I were talking on the phone. I don’t recall the exact reason we were on the phone, but to no fault of hers the conversation turned from supporting me to my supporting her. She was talking about how she wanted a grandchild and even it meant she would have an adopted grandchild she would be okay with that. I was kind of taken aback the conversation turned from “I’m so sorry you’re struggling and that you’re not able to get pregnant” to “I want to be a grandma.” So what I realized during that conversation was that our infertility didn’t just impact me and Dave, it actually impacted our entire family. What I also realized is that people don’t think about the couple that is struggling, they think about themselves. And it’s just human nature, it’s not a right or wrong, it’s just the way that it is.

So how do you deal with these comments? Because when we are in the midst of infertility we have to recognize that these unwelcome and sometimes inappropriate comments will be made by friends, family and associates. We must also realize that people don’t always think first and speak second. I believe it is up to us to determine how we manage these comments internally as well as directly with their maker.

So how do you handle these unwelcomed comments? First, in order to maintain your sanity, you need to address the maker by letting them know their words upset you. This is easier said than done. I know that. Let’s take Cathy’s mother for example. Cathy could have said, “Mom, I love Tim very much and regardless of whether or not we have children we will happy together, isn’t that what’s really important?” Second, is to educate and inform. Whether you education them on infertility in general or your specific challenges is really up to you. The point here is to inform others about what you are going though to give them an opportunity to be more compassionate. They may or may not disappoint you. Finally, request the maker to keep future potentially harmful comments to themselves no matter how “helpful” they are trying to be.

We may not be able to deflect all of the comments that come our way. Relationships can be difficult to navigate during infertility, so it’s important to communicate openly and honestly with those you care about so that they can help, rather than hurt, you along your journey.